


reminisce

by totaldwama



Category: Hooky (Webcomic)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Gen, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Prose Poem, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22957564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totaldwama/pseuds/totaldwama
Summary: "to reminisceis to drink poisonwhich you are not quiteaccustomed to."(more info in end notes)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	reminisce

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote a shorter poem yesterday about dani's time as the queen and today...
> 
> well, today i did this.

to reminisce  
is to drink poison  
which you are not quite  
accustomed to.

  
you risk your own death  
in the hopes that  
one day  
you might be strong enough  
to test the meals  
of your greaters  
to hold out against bloodshed  
their old memories  
withstanding these blows, as  
having come to terms  
with yourself   
as well as your past  
you might better be able  
to hear them  
and understand.

  
in my mind  
these memories are  
faint, cloaked in smoke  
and i like it that way.

  
they told me that  
the old kings were dead  
instilled within me  
the belief - long live the queen  
but i did not long to  
possess longevity  
for i had it already.

  
no, instead i desired  
an escape from this torment  
from the hollow eyes  
of my own visage, which  
stared back at me  
encapsulated within  
cold porcelain skin  
reflected by dark glass  
behind which swirled  
an old storm, revisited.

  
yet i was trapped   
within this moment   
in which i looked on  
in despair  
as he crumbled to ashes  
in front of  
my very eyes.

  
what terror i possessed is  
dampened, by prose  
by black silk and jewelry  
by my empty, tired gaze  
what tears i shed were dried  
by the haunted  
by the dying  
by the failures of society.

  
mother

  
how i miss you.

  
what you used to be.

  
you're home now  
we're safe here  
but i can't help but feel  
a bit apprehensive  
like staring into the eyes  
of a beast  
not yet tamed, not yet slain, for  
in its gaze  
we can see quite easily how  
it longs for freedom  
for the release  
of the hunt  
it knows no kindness  
not of ours  
not of nature's  
all it understands is  
its primal hunger  
and desire.

  
at this thought i became  
weary, fearing the worst  
as i traversed  
these empty halls  
filled with spectres of  
people, still lifeless  
still remembering the life i  
once led  
how i lived wishing  
each night, for some freedom.  
for some release.

  
like a huntress i prowled  
through the night  
followed tirelessly by this  
extension of myself.

  
still haunted  
by my own yearning  
i froze  
under their gaze  
for only moments did i linger  
wanting only  
to vanish, to disappear  
but he whispered to  
me, my spirit  
he commanded of me  
their destruction, and so  
i did as he wished.

  
i was restrained, however, by  
my own lingering humanity  
or some small part of myself  
still weak  
still soulful  
recalling youth, love  
and happiness  
all i knew then, though  
was emptiness  
these memories were foreign  
and so, i was fearful  
like a child presented with  
a serpent, or a dagger  
i reached out, terrified  
of what might happen  
if i were to be harmed  
or if this  
might be harmless  
and fragile, and  
i might break it  
not knowing my own strength  
and lose the one  
chance i had at  
redemption, at rescue.

  
little did i know then that  
this action would bring  
such misfortune  
to those i once  
hoped to save  
and who hoped  
to save me.

  
at its climax, this battle  
i thought i saw a growing light  
of some kind  
shining through the dark sky  
the moon.

  
she looked upon me  
kindly, but with sorrow  
knowing not the future  
but the past  
understanding the present  
as best as she could  
wait here, she said to me  
hold back and be still  
this will bring to you  
great fortune, and  
the freedom which you crave.

  
i listened to her, not  
the night, which tore at me  
hungry for vengeance  
wanting blood to  
be spilled, whereit need not ever be.  
the stars shuddered when  
confronted with  
its fury, trapped within.

  
yet when it was freed  
its weakness showed, and  
though it was formless  
it was as though it  
willingly bared its neck  
and let him kill it, as if that  
was its purpose, to  
serve as a catalyst  
as a driving force, like  
a metaphorical lock breaking  
opening the door  
of the cage in which i laid  
and yet i stayed   
within it  
afraid to venture out  
knowing full well  
that there was every chance  
i might be hurt again.

  
i realise now it was  
a facade, the empty look i gave  
i knew then that  
something was amiss  
that the moon had not been  
fully truthful  
in her divinity she  
had lied to me.

  
not completely  
but it was indeed  
a white lie.

  
fragile as i was  
i understood this  
and promised myself that i would  
not let myself be pained  
by these things  
but i knew deep down  
i would come  
to regret it, to desire  
forgiveness  
of which i was evidently  
undeserving. 

  
i remembered something then  
of my childhood, of an  
event which pushed forward  
the knowledge that  
i was, in fact  
growing upfar too quickly.  
i looked at myself  
bare, i was perfect  
free of deformity, of  
blemishes, or  
odd angles and scars.  
in my stance i saw a great deal  
of weakness, which was to be  
severely punished  
as i myself had ordered, wanting  
only to forget.

  
i wanted to forget nights i  
laid, lonely  
looking out windows, looking  
for someone, anyone  
capable of understanding this  
plight, which i  
was so suddenly struck with.

  
i was asked to decide  
between two alternatives i knew  
nobody desired  
i saw a clear path between  
but it was barred by  
my own cowardice, my weakness  
the weakness of  
a spineless child, for  
that is indeed  
what i was.

  
you must understand, i  
was merely a child  
and at that young age  
as i still recall  
i saw him torched, i saw him  
turned to ashes  
and in that hazy moment   
i decided  
to forget.

  
not for an agenda  
for mother or the kingdom  
no, i wanted to forget  
his face  
empty as it burned away  
this selfishness, this righteous need  
i faded into nothingness  
knowing i was the last  
of my brood  
left standing, and therefore   
it was prudent to  
take on the mantle  
of witch-queen  
and lead my people to victory  
like those traitors had never been  
able to do.

  
but i knew something was wrong  
so very, very wrong  
it lingered, becoming part of me  
this distrust, this frigid nature  
inside, i was petrified  
in my mind  
i was still but a child, and when  
i dared show this, dared speak out, i  
was mocked, silenced, and  
berated, as it seems  
there is no love left in this castle  
not for someone  
like me.

  
i come out of these thoughts  
into the present, where  
i stand calmly, not rigidly.

  
my hair is let down  
i've done away with dark robes  
i've finally let myself be free  
and for a moment  
in the mirror  
i see my past self  
a child.

  
i smile, and   
she smiles back.

  
we are both still so fragile  
but i am stronger, now.

  
i've grown up, filled out, perhaps even  
fallen in love, once or twice  
i've learned all the lessons  
there are to learn  
at present.

  
but my horizons are expanding,and  
i've so much more  
to discover  
so give me freedom, give me faith  
swear to me you'll wait, and  
someday i'll be home, to tell you  
about everything i've seen.

  
it might be weeks, or  
months, or maybe even three years, but  
i promise you  
i'll always come home  
if i don't  
which i doubt i'll ever do  
i sincerely hope  
you'll come to find me  
as you know as well as i do  
together, we are more  
than they ever knew we could be.

  
"already, i miss you so.

  
sincerely  
your sister

  
P.S. -  
no, forget the post-script  
i've said all i need to say  
goodbye, i love you."

  
and at that, i flew away.

**Author's Note:**

> i'd really like to write more about dani. especially more... in-depth things. 
> 
> i read the majority of hooky just yesterday (episode thirty-six to the end) and even with its obviously fantastical nature i can see parts of myself in her. i'm medicated and i see a therapist but i still have frequent... issues, i guess. what i want to say is that i constantly feel empty and worthless but there's people out there to remind me that i matter. i can't always talk to them, though. so i just have to remind myself. i can see this being an issue she faces.
> 
> .. this is NOT me projecting, shut the fuck up numbnuts *shuts you in a locker*


End file.
